NO SWEAT STYLE...

Is there really such thing?I really get a sick kick out of working out whether it be cycling,dancing,skipping the yin an Yang's of yoga or the gym.I love it.All of it.Well there is one exception to exercising I really,really dislike...no not squats or the sting of sit-ups but how style somehow ends up abandoned at the gym entrance,along with make-up rituals (kiss goodbye to that lipstick),accessories (bad accidents occur when you mix necklaces and rowing machines together)and any sort of height extending footwear.Hey flats!Thanks for reminding me and all these other sweaty strangers how much of a short arse I actually am.Yes,yes I'm nothing other than a four foot something fake.Now if you don't mind I'm going to cruel inside my gym locker,away from the shame of being such a shortie.Urgh.The expense of a gym membership,and what does it get me huh?Elastic embarrassment in the form of Lycra,revealing a multitude of hang ups and sins which I strive daily to conceal.By choosing garments and shapes that magically make such dodgy lumps and bumpy body parts dissolve.Erm kinda.But this isn't no ordinary environment is it?This is the gym we are talking about,where anything goes.Like trainers,jersey joggers and drab grey tee's.Shudder*.To roll with the rest who are here happily body pumping their mince pies away,whilst sporting trackie bottoms and stretch vest tops?Hmm I don't know,if I'm down with that?The situation in this mirror covered hall,is,well it's damn awkward.In a first date sort of awkwardness...keeping things casual yet looking killer too,without appearing too eager.Wanting to stand out yet blend in at the same time.Have I achieved this or am I tipping the style scales in my band tee (MGMT) and silver leggings,and pink silk head scarf?There's a fellow fat fighter working out
opposite me,trying to contain her amusement with my gym get-up.She's one of them hardcore Nike whores both in and out of the gym...if you know what I mean?Perhaps I'm jealous?Why can't I rock a pair of Nikes and starchy trackie bottoms in such a shameless manner.Oh yeah that's right.Because I'm not insane!The gym is never going to be a place where style and sweat meet and come together in harmony.The fitness world needs a fashion icon...Tamaya?Could she become the style inspiration that the all so stern and serious gym fashionphobic people need?The motivation to ditch those dull as dishwater workout rags straight from the Nike'ie nineties and instead replace the Lycra for lipstick and lashings of false eye lashes.Don't compromise your style for a couple of star jumps right?.And bring on the Tamaya style revolution like right NOW no?

image:Tamaya.Courtesy of channel 4

DISCOUNTS DRAMAS & DELUSIONS

When attending January sales,a girl starts off with such bright optimism,encouraged by sale articles and magazines 'fab frocks for £5.00' dreams and other seducing promotions are fed to us via fabulous high quality fashion magazine pages.Each page so glossy and full of big promises the subliminal messages rapidly race to our brain cells which light up instantly in magpie reaction to all the pretty and sparkling fashion goodies.Before you can say Selfridges,the media brain washing has kicked into full effect...ready-get-set.Go!Dizzy with excitement,and delusions of grandeur thanks to magazines 'best buys' features.Not that your aware of the up and coming disappointment as of yet.For now all you have is plenty of ideas,high expectations and great beliefs from all your highstreet faves.



Aww's the sweet naivety you share with hundreds of other eager shoppers.But who could blame you?New year sale events hold such high hopes,hopes and dreams which you've built up for weeks.After navigating around the sale rails for five minutes,the harsh reality begins to sink in as you fail to see your size anywhere.Not hiding at the back of sales arms,not tucked and tangled up with any T-shirts and the floor, though littered with clothes shows no promise either.Not yet deflated by your first sale stop you remain determined,just a rocky start right?No bigg'ie,dust yourself off and try again.Two hours and twenty minutes in and maybe just possibly third time lucky this is it,this is your moment of retail glory.Your gonna bag that bargain,Biiiitccch!Revising/editing hit list items inside your head,and feeling a little less optimistic yet still sort of deluded enough to march straight over to the jeans sale...


Jeans Riverisland

Rummaging,and riffling through flares,bootcuts,skinnys and coloured jeans.Your arms ache you've just discovered upper arm muscles you were oblivious to before this desperate bid for those olive green polka-dot jeans in size 14.Elusive size 14,you consider an uncomfortable compromise though a necessary one.Opt for a size 12 in the polka-dots,suck your stomach in,and do not consume wheat based products for a while.Now all you need to do is hold your breath whilst the polka-dot jean hunt is back on again.Stress levels are rising,along with paranoia as you catch glimpse of a girl clutching hold of THOSE jeans,the jeans which should be yours.Gawking over at her tall slender size 10 frame she's giving you the evils and looking down at you in disgust as your pushing your way through the size 12-14 sale rail.Of course she isn't giving you the evils nor judging, you've just developed a mild case of envy.Does she have to look so smug with herself?Forcing your attention else where,as smug girl strolls into the changing room waving around the polka-dot jeans in not only olive green but hot pink.Your.On.The.Edge.Admitting defeat on this occasion,you try your luck with the bags.Horaahs you've stumbled upon a beaut of a bag,a mini satchel leather box bag in orange and grey to be specific,swoon.What!?Eekk there's a 70% off sticker slapped and plastered all over it.HA.Take that.You've beaten smug girl,as yes shopping the sales has just become an Olympic style competition.So,so close to the finishing line and completely drained,your plastic is at the ready,finally ready to purchase your bargain vintage look-a-likie bag.The total flashes up in front of your eyes,and in one bleep of the assistants scanner your dreams have been once more shattered.There is no 70% off.They lied to you.The bag in question is indeed full price.You've come so far,and beaten so many demons exiting this shop empty handed is not an option.Plus smug girl has just finished paying for her polka-dot jeans x 2...aahhh you shall not be defeated and leave this place a loser,and as painful as the experience is you decide to buy the full price bag.Receipt reads the savings you've made today...none,zero,nowt,nothing,no savings at all.Shoddy sales!

SALES & SUSPENSE

Oohh the suspense of the much anticipated January sales,the excitement begins to kick in 'round about October,others are counting the days down to Xmas,whilst most us girls are only concerned with ticking off the festive period altogether and targeting those sale rails to snag us something a little special at a bank account happy price.Yep the new year sales are Disneyland for grown up girls,the adrenalin is that of a hundred cans of red bull,and of course red bull also being the fuel of choice pre-sales shopping.Browsing the sales requires much more than a sharp eye for style,a girl needs tactics,stamina and a sharpened stiletto heel (for self defense,more on that later),got that?Your good to go,err almost...

There's several different types of sale shopper,some are savvy others are seriously
unorganised and scatty,wondering around in a daze struggling to navigate through the sale fog-don't allow those sale banners intimidate you!Also do try and resist the temptation to impulse buy and make hasty decision's.Bright coloured skinny jeans,yes a bargain at ten quid,however have skinny jeans ever been apart of your staple style diet?If no,why adopt such a tricky trend now.Sales are a golden opportunity to bulk up on your bff fashion items.Sales however really aren't a great time to begin experimenting with the normally unforbidden,trespassing on unfamiliar territory.Stay within the restrictions of your style comfort zone.Or else your be flooded with regret once you return home and empty out the contents of your shopping bag as it suddenly dawns on you what an utter mistake you've made,with nothing but long lists of reciepts to constantly remind you of your failings,all of which added up rapidly and has left you with a starved,hollow purse.*Stings like a bitch.
Make the January sales your best friend not a messy,complicated situation one which echo's a cheap one night stand.Do.Not.Set yourself a time scale,your setting yourself up for a disaster otherwise.Bunk off wherever your suppose to be,aim to reach the shop doors before sunrise and go it alone.Yes alone,as in not with a friend,because your stress levels will at some point hit steam-coming-out-of-ears peek and nobody wishes to witness that,oh and you'll probably reveal your greedy (Topshop shoes make a girl do funny things) ugly side too that even your closest pal would be oblivious to.For sale shopping a girl has to fly solo,and if any of your girlfriends are offended assure them you still love them and it doesn't spell out the end to any other future shopping/coffee dates.They'll understand your on a one woman mission and if not pick them up a little something from their fave shop to win back their affection.Friends sorted.



Next up self-defense.Believe it or not there are bigger fashion bitches than you,so be warned and be prepared.'Tis time to toughen up,looking the part helps scare off any stiff competition.Ditch any delicate florals or pretty,pretty ditsy details.Pull yourself together,look sharp and repeat to yourself,'any gold dust fashion finds shall be mine'put on your best kick arse footwear and pull on some leather for good measure khol those eyes too!Ready?
Wait,wait,wait... keep a spare pair of shoes in your bag,make them a stiletto and if anyone dare snatch that leather satchel bag out the palm of your hand a pronto poke should do the trick.Ah I wouldn't call it aggression.Violence sounds so thugish.Hmmm...precaution,should you have to use it.Now shoulders back,because you attend to do some damage at that sale.

WINTER JOY

This chilly time of year is my absolute favourite for topping up on the accessories especially winter accessories.My one golden rule being the more crazy and colourful the better.These days are dark,drab and in general pretty damn bleak.Colour injection is a must.Oh what do you know?It is the most perfect excuse to have a sly shopping splurge,what?A girls got to keep warm.That's my excuse...fail proof and quite convincing,no?
However going into town is really not an option right now,I don't find the thought of battling and elbowing my way through the festive stampede of panicked people,only to discover my size isn't available,much appealing.My last shopping trip was a total anti-climax,I mean my shopping list wasn't that too ambitious.All I was after were some bright kooky knits,patterned sweaters and a couple of cool yet cosy winter hats.What did I find?Grey/cream/black cable knits (sorry I just nodded off),and a whole bunch of suspicious and disturbing panda/bear beanies.Oh yes let's not forget the array of fluffy trapper hats complete with very wonky animal ears.Animal cruelty surely?Whatever the fuck it is the animals are offended.Stop.It.Now.
Yep my last failed shopping trip shall not be forgotten any time soon,lesson learned move on...I've one style stop that I love to browse for all my winter warmers and unlike most high street there's not a lazy eyed panda beanie insight oh joy* for that!Umm's now I just need to narrow down my findings and choose something,this could take a while...






images Joythestore

STYLE SLOG

Every year around this chilly time,I experience SSAD.Seasonal.Style.Affect.Drought.
In other words 'tis depressing times right this moment my fellow fashion victim peeps(whop look at me dropping a retro word...does anyone still say peeps?),a sorry phase I fail miserably at avoiding every winter,i.e organising my wardrobe for the fierce bbbbrrrrrr's of winter.Stuck in a state of denial.I drag out the use of spring/summer dresses/skirts/play suits/shorts/chiffon blouses e-t-c's for as long as I possibly can,for as long as my body will tolerate.Today there is no ignoring the plummeting temperatures outside.Seeing my own breath escape from the mouth became a constant reminder that winter has indeed arrived,she's here and she's bullying me into ditching my summer wardrobe by torturing my legs and knees with frost bite.Ouch.It stings like a bitch.Huff.
The thought of having to put my summer threads away and into to hibernation is sending me into deep depression.Bye bye's my beloved summer beaut's such as the head scarf (I'm down one now,as my favourite vintage pink poodle print silk scarf blew away.Yesterday afternoon when mother nature cruelly snatched it off me unexpectedly.*Cries into pillow),sleeveless dresses,floaty fabrics,peep toe pumps and my ice cream print sun glasses.
Do excuse me whilst I dab the stream of tears running down my face.
Ugrgh.Slog,I need to consider buying for the many cold days and general numbness which is ultimately going to come my way.The candy coloured chiffon's I collected over the summer time ain't gonna cut it and protect me from the harsh December elements.Here is where I always lack the inspiration and that kick start oompphh if you like?The encouragement to run into the shops.Purse at the ready and get stuck into winter clothes shopping.When all the high street has to offer me is a dismal display of the same tiresome LBD'S,embellished body-cons,and fucking frightening animal patterned jumpers...their not kooky,not kitch and most the time such knitwear only resembles messy,ugly road kill.Leave it alone.That includes the demented looking panda hats too.Is it any wonder the high street makes me shudder this time of year?


BOARD:PRETTYNEONS

Hello!Look around.Everywhere you turn it's festive tack,after more festive tack.Okay fashion we get it.Understood it's almost Xmas.The part I don't understand is why you seem to believe were all eager to pull ourselves into some horrid OTT sequin Lycra number.Or plonk a wonky eyed/eared panda or fox on our head?Baffling.
I'm not willing to compromise my existing style to keep snug,or exchange all pretty attractive things for plain old practicality.
So lets all hail ASOS and throw a big thank you hug around the ASOS angels,for their awsome winter warmers.An almighty explosion of fun bright colours,giant polka-dots,leopard print collars and playful pom pom scarfs.December needn't be a drag,nor does winter have to equal a sloggish style drought.With this array of Asos winter warmers (above)I'm about ready to embrace the season of bbbbbbbrrrrr's.

WHOOPS I JUST BECAME OBSESSED...

As far as tv series go I can take them or leave them i.e Mad Men...not fussed.
Ah ha so you think I'm trying to be awkward and all controversial with my dislike towards Mad Men,well,I'm not it simply bored me to tears the styling/costume not enough to with hold my attention.The styling in Gossip Girl had me temporarily smitten,I'd secretly flick over and tune in to teen tv just out of curiosity,'Oohh what will Blair and the goss girls be wearing?'Young Blair's(series one)kooky prep ensembles convinced me to give head/hair accessories and bright lipstick a whirl.Cringe worthy huh?When a tv show becomes a form of inspiration...
I.look.Ridiculous.In.Alice bands.Never repeat that mistake again.Moving on swiftly,don't forget to remember:never allow another glossy American tv series fool you.Oh look.Whoops I've been sucked in by Pan Am.Yep once again I'm styling myself under the influence of a slick,styled American tv series.BBC 2 I hate you right now,for introducing me to the likes of Kate(Kelli Garner)and her ultra glam,perfect Pan Am posse.Those drop dead gorgeous girls you see below?Yeah that's them-obvs.





images google

I've an instant and insane screaming style craving for dainty shoes(strictly kitten heels only)over sized cat eye shaped sunnies (what!?Sun glasses may be required for this December...what with global warming bubbling away)peek-a-boo petticoats,soft pastel coloured accessories,silk scarves,box hand bags,blouses,bows and finally shit loads of feminine,frilly, flirty and very fitted vintage dresses.Pan Am is hardcore vintage porn,which frankly needs to be censored.'Tis not for the faint hearted nor the weak willed.In fact word of advice.Avoid watching Pan Am if you are prone to vintage binges and want to keep your bank account healthy.For this vintage junkie it's gone too far,it's too late I blame Kate(swoons,the secret Pan Am spy)for what is about to become,heck already is my new tv obsession and huge,huge girl crush.
Is my crush on Kate premature,it only being two episodes in and all?Nah.Should I begin dressing under the influence?Get all experimental with orange blusher and rock prom-dresses in the day?Yes.Will I ever learn my lesson with these attractive American tv shows?No.Because damn iiiittt!They're too seductive.

THE BOY OR THE BROGUE?

Gasp!Did anyone else catch the feature in Femail?The one about how most us gals ditch our style once we've departed from singleton to settled down with a serious long term boy?No,no,no.NO surely not ladies?Who on earth investigates such pressing *cough* matters?I refuse to believe any fashion slut would give up the fashion/style game to please her anti-Vogue-bashing boyfriend,what and resort to a pair of comfy yet ugly as hell ugg boots and slouchy jogger bottom combo.Yikes.Love is blind,huh?
The feature (for those of you who have better things to do other than read the femail section in the mail),compiled a 'case study' (...hold up,so there are women who are willing to compromise their individual style for a T-shirt and jean bloke,eh?)of ten ladies who cut their love affair with their favourite fashion items short.To keep their boy all pleased.Baffling,absolutely and completely.
Love is a compromise and the best of times,but rejecting your beloved heels for a him?Really?REALLY?Tuts all the way...
Him's will come and go,wardrobes my love struck females will forever remain loyal and play a big part in your life.Umm depending on what level/scale of materialistic your at?Me honestly I'm probably somewhere inbetween a five,sixish outta ten.
Have no shame!...my very own fashion flirts with brogues have often caused some friction with the males.Case study one.The science boy.Yes,we were both doomed from the start whilst he debates over molecules and I over MiuMiu:I heard of that age old opposites attract theory and went with it Okay?

...All was well with science boy and I,we bonded over Sci-fi and Simon Peg films his ramblings of atoms and other bits of science stuff (ignorance can be the ultimate best friend at times)both amused and intrigued me.One titchy prob-lem-ohh's he was yet to discover I worked in the fashion industry...keeping it a temporary dirty little secret for fear of instantly being stereotyped,though I do a pretty good job of doing that myself,"Vogue?" quizzed SB when he investigated my book shelf.
Deep breath give the ghost up time.Come clean,spill it confess all the fashion industry.A yadda,yadda,yadda...and wait for the mockery.Right on cue the cute (to begin with anyway)fashion taunts and teasing began.SB couldn't appreciate my weekly fix of glossy fashion magazines,or understand the mathematics behind highstreet,vintage and thrift,"Them shoes are funny looking you know,those ones with the laces the school teacher thingy shoes,yeah I don't like them.I hate them actually."


illustration flickr

Brogues I explained to SB are my beloved choice of footwear and here to stay stuck for all eternity in my style diet sticking like molecules.Learn to love the brogue or tolerate and just keep mouth shut so we can continue where ever us may be going?Not very far at all,"So you read this fashion trend crap and go shopping to dress up and look like the skinny skeleton girls right?Doesn't it become exhausting being a fashion victim?" Ah,no he didn't.SB attempted to sway me away from such fashion victimzines.I tried to convert him from National Geographic to Nylon,I enjoy an unrealistic challenge and seeing him frown over fashion jargon was a big plus too.One Sunday afternoon SB crossed the line.That's right he trespassed over and into my wardrobe,scooped up my piles of "school teacher footwear" and cruelly pushed them towards the dark black corners of my wardrobe.Boy or the brogues was never going to be an option.The boy had to go.Pronto,like lightening speed.The brogues stayed put!